Loneliness

It is sometimes difficult to experience the feelings which crop up inside. You don’t even recognize what is curling within your heart. How can it be expressed then? It must nevertheless be said; if not to others, then to oneself.

It’s been going on for many years. They would meet occasionally over a cup of coffee or for a theatre show. They would look at each other and talk, exploring their own certainties about each other.

‘What do you plan to do then?’  He asked

‘I haven’t thought about it. Just that it’s not great. I am doing it as a stop gap arrangement to accomplish something tangible.’ She told about her new job which was about setting up the entire retail infrastructure of a fashion brand

‘You are nowhere satisfied. Earlier you had problem with your advisory job that it was all airy stuff discordant with reality. Now, you are in thick of the action and still you crib’.

It was disconcerting to hear that. He always did it. If she looked at him, he was probably doing worse than her. His credentials could nowhere match that of hers. But the way he presented it, his failures also sounded as if those were part of his bigger game plan.

Is she too straightforward and honest? Can everything be dubbed as success or failure by awarding marks between 1 and 100? Anything comes at a cost. You don’t get your perfect world anywhere. What’s wrong to feel bad about something which is not right for you? Isn’t it proper to aspire for the state where you are free to be fully creative?

‘I might try my hands at entrepreneurship. I am thinking strongly about it’ she uttered

They were sitting outside a small restaurant beside a highway. Let’s order something- she suggested and got up to place order.

What would you take?  

‘Nothing’

‘Are you sure? – she asked’

He half smiled, nodded in negative and watched her getting up.She went inside the restaurant to the counter and placed the order. 

He smiled wryly and tilting his head to left as if to gain a posture of higher expertise and asked  – ‘What exactly do you plan to do? Have you made a business plan?’

‘To be frank – No! Some potential ideas are there but each has its own risks, resource requirements and returns’. She went on describing couple of ideas, their merits, her vision and her apprehensions about being able to gather enough resources. He was still ensconced in that posture and was piercingly looking at her- probably to see her burst her own balloon of plans.

Why she used to do that? It always appeared as if she was explaining and defending herself. Was she too risk averse? Was she too self critical? Was she always trying to prove herself to him?

It was difficult to analyze these things howsoever self critical she tried to be. She nevertheless pondered over their meeting; what he said, how he said, how he reacted? She reflected on her short comings. She had gained weight. She needed to work on her wardrobe. She had to become more assertive; probably more flamboyant like those other girls. How those girls acted which made guys turn and give another look to them? Was it their physical beauty, inner glow or some psychological charm- trick they played?

He had a change of mind. He too wished to have a cup of coffee and ordered it. 

There was an awkward silence. She poured one sachet of brown sugar into her coffee and stirred it without looking at him. She was kind of alone even when sitting here with him. She felt the warmth of the cup by holding it from the sides and took one sip. It sent a fresh wave of energy to her presence.

‘Yes, it’s not easy’, she said self reflectively. She wanted to ask what had been going on in his life. He had started an e-commerce company with few friends. Did he have a long term plan or was he floating on the wave of herd behaviour.    

‘So how is it going with you? When are you launching it?

‘We are working on the supply chain and have recruited some developers for the website. In next 3 months we should go live.’ He said it in his usual confident manner but deep within- it lacked conviction. She could sense it in the air around them. However, his nonchalant way of expression shut her up.

In midst of all this conversation, she was scanning for that click, that comfort and the chemistry to strike. There was tension but it lacked the spark.

They had finished their coffee. She felt as if he had been gazing at her. She too looked him into the eye, to explore something intense.

She was intrigued. She wanted to be sure of them; him and her. Every meeting was supposed to somehow nudge them towards a destination. It however, turned out to be a random wandering.

How have you come? Shall I drop you? He asked

‘No, thanks! I have parked my car in the basement.’ She smiled at him. He flashed a smile too. They bid good bye to each other. It could’ve been warmer.

She started her car, paid the money to the parking guy and drove out. The radio was on. There was a song by lataji ‘agar mujhse mohabbat hai, mujhe sab apne gham de do ..’. She raised the volume. The traffic was orderly and smooth.

Suddenly there was intense build up of feelings and tears started rolling down her cheek. The moving car, the passing vehicles, the standing trees - everything was flowing with that music.

She said to herself – ‘Loneliness is just a feeling’.

गुफ्तगू

आओ बताएं तुम्हें ऐ दोस्त,

पवित्रता बेजान मूर्ति में नहीं, झुकने वाले मस्तक में है,

ढूंढते कहाँ हो देवालयों में?

भगवान् तो दिलों में बसते हैं|

रोने के डर से कहीं खुद से अनजान न रहना|

आंसू रुलाते ही नहीं, खुद से खुद को मिलाते भी हैं,

देखो कितनी अजीब सी बात है ना,

भरोसा जब होता है तो बेबुनियाद,

और जो टूट जाये तो खुदा पे भी नहीं होता|

निर्बाध हो सफ़र तन्हा ही क्यूँ न हो, एक अलग ही मज़ा है इसका,

आखिर ये हवाएं, खुला आसमान और झूलते पेड़ भी तो हमसफ़र ही हैं|

क्या बयाँ करें दर्द-ए-दिल तुमसे ऐ दोस्त,

उसकी कमर तोड़ मेहनत और एक कप चाय की तलब,

दिहाड़ी कितना जोखिम भरा काम है, हमने एक मजदूर की आँखों में देखा|

खामोश रहे जब उसने तौहीन की हमारी,

खता ही क्या थी मेरी, औकात ही क्या थी उसकी,

फिर भी बदला नहीं लेंगे,

इतने बड़े बन जायेंगे, वो खुद छोटा हो जायेगा |

क्या बताऊँ किस कशमकश में हूँ,

ज़िन्दगी जीना चाहता हूँ – जी भर कर, खुल कर,

फिर भी रखता हूँ खुद को – बचा के, संभाल कर,

भावनाओं के ज्वार में कहीं बह ही न जाऊं|

हारने में पीड़ा होती है - हताशा और थकान,

उस जीत का भी क्या फायदा मगर – जिसमें “तुम” हार जाओ |

आओ कुछ फैसले करें दोस्त,

जो गुज़र गया वो वक़्त है, जो आएगा वो अवसर,

तय हमें करना है कि,

वक़्त की घड़ियाँ चुनें या अवसरों के पल|

जो लुट गए अमीर हुए, जो बिक गए फ़क़ीर,

हम इसी डर में बैठे हैं अब तक,

न जाने लुट के फ़क़ीर बनें या अमीर|

सीख मेरी ये ही है तुम्हें ऐ दोस्त,

तरक्की करना, आगे बढ़ना, चढ़ सीढियां डर सीढियां,

अपने अन्दर के मासूम को लेकिन कभी बड़ा न करना|

कविता पढने में सुन्दर लगती हो, सुनने में प्यारी,

जान लो मगर,

सच्ची कविता वो ही है दरअसल, जो लिखी नहीं “जी” जाती हो |

होली का दिन आया

मुस्कराते फूल हैं, पत्तियां हरी हरी,

मचली है हवा भी, मस्त मस्त चली चली,

खिली खिली धूप में, निकले हैं लोग देखो,

रंग-रूप-गंध से फिज़ां भी है भरी भरी,

मधुर सरस गान लिए, ढोलक की तान लिए,

आया आया, होली का दिन आया|

नफरत जो मन में है, आज उसे फेंक दो,

डर के छिपे असुर की, होलिका जला दो,

अच्छा हो या बुरा, मिलो सबसे खुलकर,

किसने था क्या कहा, सोच ये निकाल दो,

चलो मन में विश्वास लिए, जोश और यकीन से,

आया आया, होली का दिन आया|

हसरतों के कैद पंछियों को आज उड़ा दो,

चाहत की नदिया को आज रोकना नहीं,

प्रेम की मदिरा पिए, आशिकी के रंग को,

लगा दे उनके गालों पे, सजा दो उनके आँचल को,

प्यार भरे दिल मिले, रंगों में रंग भरे,

आया आया, होली का दिन आया|

नयी बहार लेके, नयी पुकार लेके,

आया आया, होली का दिन आया|

उमंग-तरंग लिए, मस्ती की मिठास भरा,

आया आया, होली का दिन आया|

शिव-स्तुति

हे शंकर, हे आशुतोष,
भाव बाधा मेरी दूर करो|

कितना भ्रम है, कितनी माया,
दंभ,लोभ के कंट-जाल से,
व्याकुल मन है, शिथिल है काया,
ज्ञान दीप की ज्योति जलाकर,
ह्रदय-कलुष का नाश करो,
नमामि शिव, हे रुद्रेश्वर,
त्वम् शरने, अभयं कुरूम|

कितना संशय, कितनी असूया,
स्वार्थ भाव की अंधमता से,
संबंध विभाजित, मिलन अधूरा, 
प्रेम-सरित के सलिल प्रवाह से,
प्यासे मन को सिक्त करो,
नमामि शम्भू, हे गंगाधर,
त्वम् शरने, प्रमुदित कुरूम|

कितने स्वप्न, कितनी इच्छायें,
लक्ष्य की गुरुता से हतप्रभ, 
कर्तव्य अनिश्चित, दुर्गम पथ है,
दृढ़ निश्चय के अजस्त्र स्रोत से,
विजयी-पथ प्रशस्त करो,
नमामि पशुपति, हे नीलकंठ,
त्वम् शरने, धीरम कुरूम|

हे शंकर, हे आशुतोष,
भाव बाधा मेरी दूर करो|

कट गया तो क्या हुआ?

कट गया तो क्या हुआ?

वक़्त की रफ़्तार से पीछे छूटे,

अपने हुनर, तमाम कोशिशों और वर्षों के परिश्रम को,

ताक रख, घबडाये,

तुम सोचते हो,

कुछ फाडू करने का समय निकल गया,

और गन्दा वाला कट गया,

दोस्त! तुम्हें प्रतीत होता है ऐसा,

Basically, कटता नहीं है|

जब देखते हो दूर से ही उसे,

उसकी वो Hair Style, दीप्त चेहरा और सुगठित बदन,

उसके सामीप्य को उत्कंठित, अधरास्पर्श के अभिलषित,

स्मरण मात्र से ही हो जाते हो जीवंत,

कुछ missed calls, G-talk and WhatsApp के छिटपुट chat के बाद,

तुम्हें लगता है- बात बन नहीं रही,

और सोचते हो- मैं तो हूँ ही एक नंबर का ‘चू, चू’,

फिर कट गया और उसे पा न सका,

दोस्त! मिथ्याभास है तुम्हारा,

Actually, कटता नहीं है|

बचपन में पढ़ा था,

नम्रता सज्जनों का भूषण है,

जो स्वयं के प्रतिकूल है,

वैसा आचरण दूसरों के साथ उचित नहीं,

ऐसी प्रवृत्ति लिए, तुम साफ़ दिल से,

करते हो अपना व्यापर,

परन्तु, संकुचित मानसिकता लिए लोग,

जब स्तरहीन व्यहवार करते हैं,

तुम्हें लगता है, ये तो मेरी ही कमज़ोरी है,

चालक न होने के कारण कट गया,

दोस्त! लगता है तुमको ऐसा,

Long term में कटता नहीं है|

इसी तरह जीवन में,

सम्यक संकल्प, निश्छल भाव व उद्दाम उत्साह लिए,

अपनी जांनिसार हसरतों की हासिल को,

तुम पुरजोर कोशिश करते हो,

कदम दर कदम, चट्टानों और चोटों से,

घायल और थके, तुम सोचते हो,

वो और होंगे जिन्हें मिलती होगी मंजिल,

सब कुछ करने के बाद भी, मैं खाली हाथ ही रहा,

और अंततः  कट गया,

फिर बोलूँगा दोस्त! तुम सोचते हो ऐसा,

कटता नहीं है really |

सुनो! अच्छा ये बताओ,

तुम्हें क्या लगता है?

नीयत गलत है तुम्हारी?

या फिर कोशिश में कमी या तरीका गलत है?

सब जान-समझ कर किये सच्चे प्रयास के बाद भी,

यूँ हताश क्यूँ हो जाते हो?

क्या तुमने सच को सच नहीं कहा?

झूठ को ‘झूठ’ न कहते हुए भी, क्या पहचाना नहीं?

या जहाँ भी गरिमा, सरलता व सौंदर्य दिखा, मन ही मन उसकी पूजा न की?

तो क्या हुआ यदि दिखाने को तुम्हें,

वाह्य, भव्य उपलब्धियां नहीं,

क्या हुआ जो वह नहीं मिली?

जंग में हार जीत तो होती ही है,

और कोई भी Chance, Last Chance नहीं होता,

संभालो खुद को,

आंसू आते हैं तो रोको नहीं,

जाओ और छिपकर,

दीवार को माँ समझ, जी चाहे रो लो|

उठना फिर उस सोने के बाद,

पुराना सब कुछ भुला के,

उसी संकल्प और तपस्या के साथ,

एक बार फिर अपना सब कुछ देने को,

इस बार तुम्हारी आखों में आंसू नहीं,

चेहरे पे मुस्कान होगी,

और तुम समझ जाओगे कि,

जब तक खुद न कटवाओ,

कटता नहीं है|

कैसे कहूं क्या करार है?

कैसे कहूं क्या करार है?

न जाने क्यूँ तेरा इंतज़ार है,

डर लगता है तुझे खो न दूं,

मेरी बेबसी है ये,

या तेरा प्यार है?

समझना चाहा चाहत को,

मोहब्बत चीज़ है क्या?

होती है क्यूँ?

बिखरा बिखरा सा लगता है सब,

शोर भरा सन्नाटा और,

खोया खोया सा मैं,

ये है आशिकी का जूनून,

या तेरा प्यार है?

दिल में एक खलिश सी,

ये ख़ामोशी, ये दूरी,

तुझ बिन चैन नहीं,

मिलना गर दुश्वार है,

तेरी शोखी, तेरी हंसी, तेरी शरारतें,

तू है मेरी दुनिया, तू मुझमें बसी,

तू है तो वजूद मेरा,

ये मदहोशी है मेरी,

या तेरा प्यार है?

न जाने क्यूँ तेरा इंतज़ार है,

मेरी बेबसी है ये,

या तेरा प्यार है?

A Peek Through Window

He was gazing at the dilapidated building across the flyover through his 5^th floor window. Perhaps decades ago, this would’ve been the bustling Haweli; now in shambles. Among the quietness of its symmetrical piers and the aloofness of its structure; he tried to picture herself with him. How would she look in a traditional Indian dress?  

Jai walked frenetically into his room disturbing his reverie. He asked for his laptop and without looking at him logged himself into Facebook.

What happened to your lappy? And don’t you see I am working?

My lappy is hung and you need a break – ‘Jai’ retorted satirically.

He saw him liking pics, updates and quotes without even reading those. Yaar ye kya? Bina padhe hi tu like mare ja raha hai?

‘Bhai! Saare updates bandiyon ke hain; samajh me aaye, na aaye, achhi ho ya bakwas- Like marna padta hai. Aise hi nahin pat jatin bandiyan’ – Jai said

Hmmm! So this is the secret of your array of female friends? He sighed and just watched ‘Jai’ do all those stuff deftly. He wondered whether he would ever be able to pull this off with such aplomb.

‘Quit playin games with my heart’ ringtone… ..  ‘Heyyyy, Hie- How d’ya?’ putting on his ‘hands free’ Jai walked out of the room.

He was bit startled by Jai’s Dhamaka entry. Jai was his colleague in his engineering company. They used to share the apartment. Despite his occasional rashness, ‘Jai’ was a nice person and a buddy. He went to the window of his room and looked outside. Among the mass of traffic on the flyover, bikes were moving - Guys with their girls. The envelope of excitement and fun in their movement struck him. He imagined himself riding that bike and ‘Anjali’ sitting behind. Was it possible? Could this ever happen?

Only if there was a formula - dating morphed into a complex mathematical equation. He would’ve dived deep to solve it. But how to pierce through her heart - how even to approach this problem called girls.

Jai told him – Beedu!’ Unless you go and talk to girls, flirt with them,  Aasman se nahee tapkegi GF.

Not that he didn’t try but he was shy and added to that his fumbling approach did the disaster. Try to karta hoon yaar, but aise kisi se kya baat karne lagoon? I go and say ‘Hi’ to them with genuine smile. They sometimes ignore; sometimes respond with ‘Hi’ and then it peters out. Koi context to hona chahiye na baat karne ko.

You have to create the context dude! Why don’t you introduce yourself and tell them that you are from IIT? Intelligence is a big turn on for girls. They would fall for it – ‘Jai’ suggested.

How simple was it for ‘Jai’and his ilk? Where did they learn all of that?

Only if there were electives in IIT called love 101. He would’ve taken all the electives in that series. At least these courses were something having direct application in real life. And of course, one could totally relate to it.   

Yaar!!! (He said with slight pain in his voice) – This is not something to be bandied about. I cannot wear it on my sleeve.  

Bhai! Rehne de, tere se na hogi; Just keep on living in your idealistic ivory tower- ‘Jai’said irritatingly.

Was he rigid, idealistic, cut off from the zeitgeist? Or it was something else?

The fact is that IIT trains you in a craft, to be able to identify and solve the most difficult problems in that field. But that’s one part of life. Life is big – like ocean, with many dimensions. How can mastery in one dimension prepare you to sail through it? Each dimension, personal/professional, is to be tackled separately. One cannot make up for another.

It’s not about idealism dude. 

Jai –To fir kya hai? It’s your values, philosophy, fundah blah blah…

Bas mujhe odd lagta hai. I am from IIT – This has something to do with my professional life as a signaling factor in the job market. But, what it has to do with my dating life?  

Jai – The same thing which Swiss bank account has to do with black money or Taliban with world peace or 100 Cr film with good cinema . It’s pointless to argue with you. I am going for my guitar classes.       

He felt exhausted and dejected. It is better to go and take a stroll outside- he thought.

He got down and moved towards the little park outside. A child was carrying his little sister around in the pram while his mom talked on the phone. Some senior citizens were sitting discussing the politics of the day. A labor was resting after morning’s hard work. There was a swirling silence amidst the chitter chatter. It seemed that an Umbrella of light and warmth had been spread over the green lawns.

He looked at the marigold flowers glowing in the afternoon sun. He saw Anjali’s face in it – Her falling hair, her sweet dress and her pose. Tears came to his eyes. What was it? Why was he so helpless? He had come out into the open to run away from this coiled pain. And here it was – embedded into all the freshness around.

He felt the cool November wind swift through his body. He wanted to throw himself away – with the wind, into the light where she was hidden.